Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Randomize
