Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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