just come out here and I will go home with you...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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