Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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