It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
even my farts smell like vagina
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
