Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
i've created a new STD.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
