Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
