Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize