I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
