Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
