My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize