i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
That was before I lit my hair on fire
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
