yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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