all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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