I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
