in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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