How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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