Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
