I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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