Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize