i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
