I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i will never coherently bang her
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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