Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
