I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
