Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
