I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
