I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
