I'm so fucking centered right now
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
