R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
