My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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