It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
