I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Come back. Shots need mouths.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
