I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
