I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
