When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
