you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
