I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
