Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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