"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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