I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
