She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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