Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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