when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
