she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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