I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
