Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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