mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
