I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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