i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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