this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
