I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
