when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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