Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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