Tell her she can't have a vagina
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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