Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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