I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize