You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
