grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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