4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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