Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
