Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
