What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
